Illness and the Disappearing Act. Our 40-Year History,

 Dearest,

    In January 1983, You didn't have to work hard to win my heart. Your navy blue three-piece pin-stripe suit, French horn tie, and white Oxford shirt, were perfectly pressed. Your olive complextion, clean cut black hair, tiger-rimmed glasses personified the prince in my baby Cinderella books. If these external, fleshy appearance wasn't enough to turn my head, our spiritual like minds made our initial meeting a joy. We are both music majors who like classical: You like the Romantic period and I prefer Baroque and early works, but we both love traditional, doctrinal hymns. I love the church organ and you are an organist. Most importantly, the Holy Presence of God was with you and I saw Our Lord in your face and voice. 

    Dearest, the whole time I first met you, I was pleading, 'Oh Lord, please spare me marriage; I love this man, but I don't want to marry; I want to serve you as a single missionary.' I tried to resist any attraction above a 'brother in Christ friendship.' I fasted and prayed that God would take away the cup of marriage, but in April, at a joint fellowship dinner with Emmanuel College, we agreed to enter the study stage in our relationship. The idea that I would encourage and help you accomplish the will of God in your life as your helpmate was the natural reality that I have ever known. For the first time after I gave my life to Christ and had the blessed experience of Sanctification and Baptism of the Holy Spirit, I knew God was in this relationship. God gave me the mind and heart to give my life for a husband and I was filled with His Joy. 

    I found a reason and purpose for my life. I found out the reason I get out of bed every day. My ministry and work in my life is YOU. God gave me You as my work and ministry. I know I am replaceable if I fail God and certainly know anyone could be happy living with you, but God placed me, allowed me, and assigned me to You. My joy is complete. 

    We had no money or connections despite our college, work, and life experiences, but we prayed every morning and night together, agreeing to trust and obey God. I know that even when we were alone and even despised, we had each other, and we had God in authority. We both made horrible mistakes and sinned against God and each other over the years, but we always came together to take hold of the foot of Our Lord's Cross. I read every book on how to be a good wife and tried to put the principles in practice. I tried cooking and after three years, you took that role and the scales show how much I love and miss your cooking. I confess, my Dearest, I totally hate to cook. 

    We lived at fourteen mailing addresses, I attended nine schools, and we served ten churches. I never felt like a good pastor's wife for the parishes, but I always tried my best for you. I say this freely by the mercy and grace of God. I'm not comfortable with children and hate to cook despite my every effort and experience. 

    Through all the jobs, constant money concerns, and stress, I know we lived our best. 

    Please, Dearest, when you see me arrive in Heaven, will you be glad? Would you be able, or allowed to love me and hug me? My goodness, I miss our hugs, praying together, singing our hymns at night, and falling asleep. Dearest, I would love to 'cross the ocean' just to see you and hug you. I miss our holding hands in the car, laughing, joking, listening to Car Talk or Lake Wobegone. I miss our going out to eat just to get away alone together. 

    I don't eat out or even go to church because you spoiled me with the best of 'Mom and Grandma's cooking' and Christ-centered, holiness sermons. I just can't find a new home without you. 

    Dearest, God has been so merciful to me despite my failings, and has blessed me with peace and strength to live every day. I get up in the morning praying that God will lead me and guide me through the day just as we prayed together. 

    Knowing you are with Our Lord is my new reason for staying close to the foot of His Cross and waiting on His leading. If I can't know solutions now, then I will wait at the foot of the Cross and on Our Lord's leading. I will trust and obey God with His mercy and help. God has a reason my life is as it is without you...O Lord, help me believe in You and Your Will, Your Way, Your Holy Word. Please...In Jesus Holy Name...Amen. September 2026

Illness and the Disappearing Act. Today. Just another day.

 My Dearest, 

    Today started just as any other day, waking up, praying and thanking God for sleep, the ability to function, a clean water shower, and the ability to stand up on my two feet and dress myself. I tried to keep my mind on God and pray for clean hands and a pure heart that God can love. I walked to work and thanked God for the ability to walk and the crisp, cold temperatures. I love wearing your cardigan and gloves in the Winter. My finger tips are still frozen by the time I get to my building. 

    Honey, was I ok when you were with me? 

    Suddenly, I want to swim the ocean to see and be with you again.1

    As you know, I've been extremely preoccupied with the business of life and trying to learn to live responsibly on my own; I haven't really cried. I saw RT today in passing and asked how we were and I suddenly felt the tearing. You liked him and visited with him a lot in the library, waiting on me to get off work. He was so kind and apologetic, but I kept reassuring him that God is good to me by providing a roof over my head and my job. I thanked God for our precious Church, which let me stay in the church house until I could find a place, and allowed me to leave anything I wanted so they could sell it for me. 

    Honey, was I ok when you were with me?

        Did I treat you well as your help-meet, partner, wife?

            Were you able to find some laughter and escape from the stresses? 

    Dearest, I think you left me a bit too soon and now eight months later, I'm hurting. I should rejoice for your new eternal life with Christ and the horrible pain ended, but I'm selfish right now and really miss you. I want to cry for you, but desperately trying to survive by trusting and obeying God. 

    Maybe God is allowing me a bit of emotional time. I really want to cry, but can't. My eyes are a bit teary, but my goodness, I am hurting. Is this the awful pain listed by death statistics? 

    O Lord Jesus, Thy Will Alone be done. Not mine. 

    Please, Lord, help me accept Your Will Alone. 

    I'll wait until Jesus calls for me. 2

1. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SysBazd50D8&list=RDSysBazd50D8&start_radio=1
Writer: TOWNES VAN ZANDT, Copyright: Lyrics © Wixen Music Publishing, O/B/O DistroKidsource: https://www.lyricsondemand.com/d/donwilliamsemmylouharrislyrics/ifineededyoulyrics.html

2. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zZbJOdB1rVg&list=RDzZbJOdB1rVg&start_radio=1
https://www.discogs.com/release/4890821-Emmylou-Harris-Angel-Band