In October 2021, my Mother was sick and I traveled to my home in Ohio hoping to help out, and when I returned home to NC, my husband Chris was sick. Was it heartburn, indigestion, or maybe the usual flare-up of sinus or allergies causing him to lose weight? He already has these issues, so I thought it couldn't be serious and I was glad he was losing weight due to his threat of obesity.
I said goodbye to Mother on December 1, 2021, and after her funeral, I returned home and Chris had an endoscopy. The doctor came into the recovery room and asked us to pray for him, I carried anointing oil and applied a bit to the doctor's forehead and the three of us prayed. I felt honored actually believing the godly doctor was asking for intercession for himself. A minute after 'amen,' he showed us the results and a walnut-sized tumor was blocking my husband's esophagus. Chris had cancer.
Now, after two years of very proactive medical help, successful surgery removing all the threats, and constant, caring medical intervention, Chris is still sick, and unable to digest his meals. I'm watching my Dearest disappear in front of me when I wake up, return home from work, see him before bedtime, and try to cuddle against his back. At every encounter, he is thinner.
Chris wears loose clothing to hide his bones, but I know he is even thinner than the man I married. I thought he was bony then, but nothing compares to what he looks like now. I pray with the image of holding on to the foot of the cross, believing God has a purpose for this terrifying reality, while praying for healing. I plead the blood of Christ over my own lack of faith. Are we being impatient? Am I hoping to become a widow and free of parish life? Should I plan to survive without Dearest in my life?
There are times I am so very selfish and sinful that I actually wish he would pass and be free of such misery. His constant pain and nausea keep him confined to limited spaces. He vacuums, cooks, and keeps his office hours at the church parish and averages 9-10 thousand steps on his Fitbit every day. Chris has always been diligent with his personal responsibilities; he has to because I have to work with no choice. Yet, despite all the highest efforts by medical and our best diet habits, he still cannot gain weight. All we can do is pray believing and pursue the best health habits possible, then the rest belongs to God. Please God heal...please heal my Dearest. Is it wrong that I pray, 'please?'
Thank God for the best of health insurance, health care, a loving family, and a loving church family. Thank God for His mercy and grace in our lives...Thank God for He is with us, guiding us in His Perfect Will as we follow Jesus in His Way...Thank God Our Lord took stripes and our sickness on Himself...Thank God for His perfect salvation from all sin...Thank God for the mind to pray and help us trust and obey Him...Thank God for Our Lord's Triumphant Resurrection...Thank God for His Mercy on my life...
...Oh God, what have I done to hurt my Dearest so? Is my failing the cause of his suffering? Can you really hear my cries for his healing even though I am frail and weak in faith? Have I become so hideous from my many poor choices in life that You cannot see me or hear me? What must I do to see Dearest healed in every holistic sense and living with me?...What must I DO?
Ok, Faith without works is dead...the just shall live by faith...by faith are we saved through grace and not of works lest any man should boast...
Alright, nothing I haven't heard before...trying to believe. 'AT the Cross...' at the very foot of the cross...the muddy, bloody, smelly, even the awful stench of the vinegar and decaying corpses not far away...I'll stay here and wait and hold on for Dearest's Life.
July 2024: April 14, 2025, for every other week, Chris has had 3-hour chemotherapy and a take-home, 48-hour IV in a shoulder bag. Constant dehydration is the enemy. His continuous pain in the abdomen is totally devastating. We have to stay close to home when we eat. He sits in a counter chair behind the pulpit and his voice is getting softer every day. Our doctor decided to give him a break with chemo on April 14, and at the next appointment, we will discuss his scans. April 28, the scans showed cancer cells active in his liver. The doctor suggested stopping the chemo, because it is not helping, but making his life worse. She suggested a pill, but the side effects will be far more intense. Chris told her no, he's done. We all hoped he would feel better without the chemo and may even have some years of normal life. His pain continues and he always feels sick. We met the doctor one last time, May 12, 2025, PA Griffie spoke to us to let us know what to expect in the end of life. We are to keep her informed on symptoms, and they will arrange hospice care when needed.
Memorial Sunday, May 25, 2025, went wonderfully. Chris even wanted to go out to eat, but at the last minute, he wanted to stay home. Wednesday night Bible Study, May 28, went great, Chris was feeling great, but was wore out and wanted to go home. Thursday night, May 29, Chris woke up at 1 am and screamed. A sharp pain went under his right shoulder and around his back. This is the beginning of his death. He could not stand or walk on his own. Today is June 14, 2025, Hospice was called in on June 3, and now Chris is in a hospital bed in the den. His relatives have come and they will take turns to sit with him while I am at work. I need to work for the income.
Thank God that He is the Supreme Ruler of all our unknowns.
I will Trust in God who knows I am dust.
